Spicy Sake
by shirayume
Summary: Byakuya's birthday. Byakuya's drunk. Crack ensues. The adventures of an intoxicated Byakuya and the residents of Soul Society. Final chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1.**

"Here's to another year of noble-ness!" Shunsui shouted. "And here's to sake! And here's sake!" He gulped down another cup.

Byakuya sat stiffly, folding his arms and legs. Another birthday, another day for everyone to slack off. Well, some people just slack off endlessly. He looked at Matsumoto and her attempt to make her captain drink sake. All she did was put a load of it in his white hair.

"Byakuya, have some fun! Drink some sake! It's your birthday! Now that I think of it, I've never seen you drunk! Or drink at all!" Ukitake nudged Byakuya along. He was surely drunk against Unohana's orders. His 3rd seats weren't doing so great either in being sober.

"I don't drink."

"Why not?" Rukia asked. She slowly sipped her sake and made a face. "It's horrible, but older people should love it...I didn't mean you're old or anyhting, heh."

"There is no need for alcoholic beverages for celebration."

"Even Yachiru is taking it down by the mouthfuls, and Kenpachi's already hallucinating he's battling Ichigo."

Byakuya looked to the side. Bells were scattered on the floor and Kenpachi was swinging an umbrella madly with red eyes.

"Ichigo, I know you're there! Stop running like a coward!" He fell over the couch. "Aha, good trick Ichigo, tripping me with a couch! But you won't do any damage like that!" Yachiru bounced on his shoulder. "Wai...Ken-chan...Ichi's over there! Hah, he looks like a table..." She fell asleep on his shoulder while Kenpachi continued to swing a blunt umbrella at the guests.

"...I didn't need to know that. Furthermore..."

"One sip please? I just want to hear what you think of it. Someone here made this you know," Rukia smiled.

Byakuya looked at a certain 12th division captain playing poker with his body parts.

"No no, not him, nii-sama. Um, it was from a friend." Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Inoue pour the beverage for guests. _"...and all you really need are lemons and peppers, snake tail, wasabi sauce and dandelions..."_ Rukia giggled. "Try some, nii-sama. It's **spicy** sake."

_There she goes again with the spicy._ Byakuya thought. _I can't resist the temptation of spiciness. _He really needed to back away from spicy foods, but they were just too good to refuse. He picked up a small cup of spicy sake from Rukia's hands and swished the contents inside. He waited for it to settle. It was a small amount. _It won't matter this time._ He thought. _It's only a little; can't hurt to just try it. I don't have a problem with it, do I? I?_

"You're thinking too long, nii-sama."

"Fine." He sipped the small amount of spicy sake from the cup and shook his head twice. He tasted a spicy, lemony, wasabi...y, snake-taily taste. It was good, he thought and placed the cup down. "Leave me now for a second Rukia."

"Alright nii-sama...um, Kira-fukutaichou...that's not sake." Rukia scurried off. Byakuya clutched his forehead. It was happening. He marched away from the party and went to the bathroom. _Cold water. Just need to concentrate._ He leaned against the sink and splashed water on his face. A stomping noise approached the door as he wiped his face and he was startled to see Kenpachi, now brandishing Yamamoto's cane.

"Fweh nobleman! Get back to the party, or I'll cane you to death!"

Yachiru appeared from behind his back. "Like an old man! Obey Ken-grandpa!"

Byakuya brushed past the staggering captain and drunk child to see the rest gathered at a dinner table. Half of them were intoxicated, some were mildly drunk and some were spitting out their drinks. Inoue held a full cup to Byakuya, but he passed it and sat down at the head of the table.

"We are here...why are we here again? Oh yes, because our little master just turned -insert age here-! Here's to aging!" Yoruichi spat. The rest drank their sake and pleaded for seconds from Orihime. "And also, I am here because -hiccup- a certain someone mixed alcohol in my milk! Here's to alcoholic milk!" Orihime poured thirds. "AND! I'm not done! Get away from me Urahara! And, we are all here today...because I am so drunk...and I can't control my habit of getting naked! Here's to nekkkkedness!"

"Yoruichi-san, I think that's enough," Ishida mumbled at the side of the table.

"I think it's Abarai-kun's turn to give a speech!" Orihime screamed above the shouts of the crowd. Yoruichi wanted to strip again.

"Eh-hem. Okay here's my speech. I've been vice-captain for some time and I should say this...haha, Kuchiki-taichou wears noodles!"

"Renji!" Rukia shouted.

"And..." he slurred. "I think he should dye his hair red to match me! You know, cause the girls all over the fandom Internet love my hair. And yea, when it's down, I could whip people when I turn my head. Also, six division rocks. Here's to sixth division!"

Orihime poured...fifths. Rukia turned her head slowly. She expected her brother's cold dark stare and possibly a sword in his hand. No one would make fun of his kenseikan...well, in public anyways, cause, well, noodle jokes do travel in Soul Society. She only saw nii-sama's head on the table. "Nii-sama? Are you okay?"

"I...think..." Byakuya stuttered. "Renji's right!"

The room fell silent. They all stared at their noble. He was pink in the face.

"Drink up!" Byakuya chugged down an empty cup and sweetly took a breath. "Delicious!"

"Are you..." Rukia started.

"Holy xxxx, Hisana! You're here too? Here's to dead people! Come here, dead wife!"

Rukia ran behind a drunk Renji who became less intoxicated with every passing moment with a drunk captain. "Taichou..." Renji muttered. "How many cups of sake did you drink?"

"Abarai-kun, he only drank a spoonful of the stuff," Orihime replied. "Kuchiki-san got drunk from that."

"He's alcoholic-sensitive?"

"How was I supposed to know!" Rukia cried.

Byakuya rummaged through the tablecloth to find something of sorts. He pulled out a broomstick.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2. **

"Byakuya...that's...ow don't hit me with that. I have a cold you know," Ukitake pleaded for Byakuya to stop. Ukitake's sake spell was over, and sober only because he was too freaked out by the merry Byakuya.

"Come on, we decided this already. I'm the hero and you're the evil white-haired monster from another planet!" Byakuya swung his broomstick once more. "Eat dustbunnies!" The bristles landed in Ukitake's mouth.

"I can't help it if I have white hair! And phooey, that thing's full of germs and everything! Rukia-chan, help me!"

"Ni...nii-sama, put that thing down now. Please don't hiss at me. Nii-sama...ah help me Renji!"

Renji took a broomstick from Hanatarou (convenient eh?) and started to poke his taichou from atop the dresser. Byakuya swung his own weapon around and bit into the wood of Renji's broom.

"Nii-sama!"

He started to throw his kenseikan like little torpedoes at the guests, snickering like a child. "Alright! I'm coming down from here...ah Rukia, catch me, will you?" He jumped down from the ceiling. Rukia started running around in circles, flailing her arms, trying to aim for her big brother who's now waving his arms in midair.

"I can do this, I can do this...I can't do this!" Rukia's face met with the floor with Byakuya sitting on her butt.

"Aha, Miss Turniphead, come to foil my justice-ness again?" Byakuya pointed his finger up Rukia's nostril.

"Turnip?" Rukia felt around her head. _It's not a turnip. It's style!_ "Ah, did you just make up this name now?...out of your drunken mind."

"Turniphead? Oh no, Rukia, I've been waiting to call you a turnip, waaay before today!"

Rukia blushed madly and swiped a comb from Matsumoto's bosom. She started to brush like crazy in the corner of the table. Byakuya switched his glance to a vulnerable Renji, standing amidst the drunken chaos.

"Some here, my sidekick, Graffiti-face. We must vanquish the evil white-haired overlord, Tuberculosis!"

Ukitake looked around and then pointed to himself. "Me? You don't have to make fun of my illness..."

"Charge!" Byakuya dove in with his stick and fell onto the floor, passing out.

Renji poked his neck with the end of his broomstick. "I think he's out."

Rukia returned, patting her hair down, but it bounced back up. "Renji...you don't think I look like a turnip, do you?" She sniffed.

Renji proceeded to stare at Rukia's hair, curled around her face neatly with a knob on the top of her head. "It's fine the way it looks Rukia."

"So you're saying I do look like a turnip, and you're just covering it up because you're trying to be nice! Ukitake-taichou?"

"It's a good hair style."

Rukia pounded her hair down with her palms. Renji shifted his eyes until he felt a hand grab his shoulder. Renji screamed and smacked the hand out of his reach and looked down at the tipsy Byakuya.

"I have an idea...guys. Renji said, I should dye my hair red...Ukitake needs to do something with his ridiculous white hair and Rukia needs to get rid of the turnip and aw heck, Renji, you need to grow some hair on those triangle bald spots on the top of your head..."

"Bald spots! I needed room for the tattoos!" Renji covered his head with his hand.

"I propose that we go to professionals and get us fixed up! Fixxxed up!" Byakuya grabbed Rukia and slung her over his shoulder. "To 11th division!"

"11th division! Professionals?" Renji and Uiktake cried. They ran after the noble as he skipped merrily to Zaraki's headquarters.

--

"There! 11th division!" Byakuya yelled. He pointed to the beat up building with blood splattered walls and a perfect square of dead flowers, so called a garden. The rest of the party shivered in the death aura that surrounded the place. Rukia gave up fighting her brother's grasp a long time ago. "We are going to ask the expertise of that peacock wussy head, Yumichika! Come on!"

They opened the doors to find a couple of shinigamis on the floor, sprawled on the wooden floor, scratching their buttocks. Yumichika was slowly sipping a cup of tea, reading a fashion magazine.

"Oi, oi, Yuuumichika!" Byakuya waved his hand.

Yumichika almost choked on his green tea. Was the 6th division taichou smiling widely at him and waving happily while carrying Rukia on his shoulder? _I don't go to the party and I still get caught up in the mess?_ "Um, Kuchiki-taichou, what are you doing here?"

"Make-over!"

"Oh really?" He didn't know whether to be excited or extremely disturbed. "Right this way." Yumichika had a passion. He loved to fight, oh yes, 11th division loves to fight of course, but he wanted to be head of a salon. He called it "The Sunset Peacock Beauty Parlor" and it was underground. If the captain found out, he would be in so much pain and misery. He even made matching bibs for customers. "Right this way please. Four customers?" _Squee, I sound professional._

Rukia slipped out of Byakuya's arm and crawled down the steps. "I have a strange feeling about this Renji..."

"Who doesn't?" He massaged his scalp. _I'm not balding. I'm not even old yet. It's the tattoos..._

Ukitake fingered around with his own white hair. _It's a sickness thing. I don't have a problem..._

"Please step inside and I'll do your hair extravagantly!" Yumichika smiled.

"I sense something's coming," Ukitake's spine tingled.

--

(A/N: Thank you stuck-in-a-tree for the correction!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3.**

"There you go, Ukitake-taichou, a nice pink color!" Yumichika showed him a mirror.

Ukitake jumped out of his chair and motioned to touch his pink hair. _I look like a failed Yachiru cosplayer ;-;._

Yumichika frowned at the stuttering captain and a lightbulb lit up on top of his head. He pulled up the captain's hair into a bun and stuck a feather ornament right in the middle. "Now, it's perfect."

As Rukia snickered in her seat, Yumichika went to the girl. He put a finger on his chin and nodded. Taking a brush, he slowly flipped back Rukia's hair and poofed up the ends. "Done, Rukia!"

"What...what is this?"

"Now instead of looking like a turnip, you look like...a Tagua nut!"

"What the heck is a Tagua nut!"

"Um, something round," Yumichika scratched his head. "Ah, Renji-san, it's time to remove the covering! My Active Pro-Yumichika Hair Growth Solution should've did the trick. Let's see. Oh my."

"What?" Renji asked. He felt around his forehead and gasped. "Give me the mirror...Yumichika...what have you done!"

"What?"

"..." Renji's eyes narrowed and his jaw started to twitch.

"Okay Renji, I lied. I didn't have any pro active whatever. So I turned your hair like mine!" Yumichika twirled around once and wiggled his eyelash accessories. Renji delivered a punch into Yumichika's nose.

"I look like you! My long hair is gone! I have...I have a freaking bowl cut for crying out loud!"

"It's not a bowl cut! And I can make you a wig sometime soon. Now let's see Kuchiki-taichou." Yumichika lifted up the foils from a still-drunk Byakuya. His hair flowed down, red and shiny. "Perfect!"

"Yatta...!" Byakuya cried. "I'm Renji now!" Byakuya grabbed a random black marker from the table and drew all over his neck and eyebrows. He added a bunny on his forehead as extra. "Look Rukia! I'm Renji...!"

Rukia didn't know what to say. She flicked her hair to make it go back to normal, but to no prevail. The gel was too strong. Ukitake in his pink bun shivered again. He felt it. A strong presence and a small terrifying presence.

"Um," Ukitake started. 

Kenpachi and Yachiru trashed through the door, covered in soot and alcohol. "I found you Yumichika! What is this crap parlor! Didn't I tell ya' from day one that I don't want freaking beauty parlors in my headquarters! That's rule number one!"

"Rule number two is no flowers on the premises unless they're in the hands of me!" Yachiru giggled.

"And you, Renji! Look at ya', you look like Yumichika! And you, Ukitake, you look like a damn woman!" He paused at the Kuchikis. "And you guys are just weird. And...it's all yer fault!" He pointed at Yumichika. "Wait until I get my hands on you...!" Zaraki hiccuped and screamed a battle cry, brandishing a lamp post. The others sneaked off to get away from the deep business transactions between 11th division.

--

"Please cover me," Renji pleaded.

"Cover me," Ukitake mumbled.

"What about my Tagua nut hair?" Rukia cried.

Byakuya strutted around lazily with his bright red sheen hair. They were all getting looks, strange looks, and Byakuya was the only one unaffected by the staring masses. Ukitake nudged Rukia to leave and she nudged Renji. They slowly crept away from captain drunkard of the 6th division.

"Lovely weather...eh?" Byakuya looked around. "They must've left for more sake. Speaking of sake, I need some more..." He found Orihime walking the streets with a lemon in hand. "Orihime!"

"Huh? Kuchiki-san? Weren't you with the others? Wha, why do you have red hair?"

"I don't know where they went...oh and the red hair is stylish, don't you agree Hime?"

"Um, it's Abarai-kun-like. I must be going..."

"Are you making more sake?" Byakuya squeezed the little lemon in her hand.

"Yes! The party still needs more spicy sake and I ran out to get ingredients! Um, I keep telling them they had enough, but they just can't get enough of it, hehe..." Orihime looked at the blank eyes of Byakuya. _He's going to ask me, isn't he? Please don't._

"Can I have some?" Byakuya asked. He shook the girl by the shoulders and laughed out loud so that everyone could hear.

"Kuchiki...I don't think you should have any more. Just a little made you crazy enough," Inoue meekly said. She quickly covered her mouth. "I mean, you're a bit intoxicated."

"Intoxicated? Me! Hime-chan...I'm not drunk, I'm never drunk!" Byakuya continued to laugh loudly and Inoue had to shut him up by putting the lemon in his mouth.

"Please, just follow me and you can watch me make it. People are watching."

"What are we waiting for then?" Byakuya slung Orihime over his shoulder like he did with Rukia and ran back to the kitchen of the Kuchiki mansion.

--

"No, you add the snake tail after the lemon," Inoue scolded. "Ah, don't put the tail in your mouth! And no, the wasabi is not supposed to go there!"

Byakuya bit the tail and spat it out at Orihime's face, and had a guffawing fit afterwards. She didn't know how he could act so silly when he was drunk. Was it a family thing?

"Kuchiki-san, I'll make the sake. I think it's better if you get cleaned up now. Chins don't clean themselves, you know...from wasabi beards."

He licked the spicy green glob from his chin. Orihime looked for an expression...anything that related to "Ah, it burns!", but there was none. "Here's a tray of sake. Don't drink any please and give it to the guests. I'm sorry for making you do this, sir."

"No problem...booby-chan!" At that, Byakuya knocked down the door and swung the tray around in circles. The shinigamis followed him with their grubby hands.

"Booby," Orihime repeated after him. "Booby?" She looked down and sighed. "Where's Kuchiki Rukia-san when you need her?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.**

"More sake...Yama-jii?" Byakuya shoved the tray at his superior. He was still as much drunk as when he first drank the alcohol of doomage.

"Not now, Byakuya. I'm having a urination problem right now and Komamura is still in the bathroom," he scratched his beard. (A/N: Ahh it's alive! Just kidding.) "Why did you dye your hair red?" He looked at the bunny marker drawings on his forehead and the four pairs of glasses covering his eyes. "Where did you obtain those glasses?"

"These? Oh, let's see...Ishida, Nanao, Lemura and Aizen!" Byakuya laughed.

"Kuchiki-taichou!" An exasperated Nanao bumped into him. She was immensely red from the sake, but she still couldn't see very well with the glasses. "Please give them back! And Ishida's too!"

"Yes, mine too!" Ishida was behind her, groping Nanao's book for support.

"Ah not yet! Where's Lemura?" Byakuya asked, giggling behind the frames.

Lemura (If you don't remember, he's the perverted 3rd seat of Unohana:D) was against the wall, trashing about like a fish. Nanao and Ishida felt their way towards Byakuya, but he pushed them away and started running for his life.

"Why does he make it so hard for us? Nanao, where'd he go?"

"T...that way I think," replied Nanao.

They began running towards a blurry flag of red hair with their arms outstretched. Byakuya in the meantime was punching out the glass in the frames and hung each one around his ears and fingers. "I'm heading for the bathroom, you two!"

"Bathroom? I think it's to the right," Nanao tugged on Ishida's hair.

"Ow, or to the left. Why can't you call for Captain Shunsui's help?" Ishida inquired. _Really, I'm sick of this.  
_  
"Are you crazy? If I ask him, he'll be all like, 'Oh my poor Nanao-chan! I'll make you feel better!' and then he'll try to kiss me and hug me or something. Even worse, he's as drunk as Kuchiki-taichou! Get your ryoka friends to help!"

"You mean Kurosaki? You wish I'll ask **him** for help. And...oof!"

"We're at the bathroom. Try to look where you're going."

"I would if I wasn't half blind," Ishida replied.

Byakuya was sitting on top of Komamura's shoulders and back while the foxy captain was peeing in the toilet doggy-style. Komamura didn't seem to mind the numerous intrusions while urinating.

"Kuchiki-taichou! Give it here!" Nanao demanded. Lemura arrived fashionably late, crawling on the floor into the bathroom tiles.

"Where am I?"

Byakuya looked at his treasure for a while and then licked each of them by the rims. He tossed them into the toilet and shunpo'ed out of there, still giggling while holding Aizen's glasses. "I'm keeping this one..."

Nanao reached over Komamura's back to feel for her precious glasses. "Ah, is this the sink? I can't tell where he threw them...the water is kinda warm." She pulled out three pairs of wet (yellowish) glasses and shook the "water" off. Komamura eyed suspiciously at the shinigamis and Ishida, but shrugged as he tidied his hakama and flushed the toilet. He walked away, not saying a word.

"Here's you guys. They smell...though," Nanao covered her nose.

As Ishida put them on, he opened his eyes to see that his vision hadn't improved. "The glass has been punched out," he stated. "That's so...harsh." They all sat in silence on the floor, blinded, crestfallen and smelling like foxy piss.

Yamamoto came in and looked at the miserable three. "Am I in the bathroom?"

--

Downstairs, Byakuya was putting on his Aizen glasses and found out that his view stayed the same. _So that's why Aizen crumbled his pair when he went to Hollow-land...he's not blind at all!_ "Oi, Hime-chan! Booby-chan! Inoue!"

"Kuchiki-san, I won't give you any sake," Orihime said politely. "Please sit down, please for the love of...I mean, I have to go now."

"Wai, Hime! Darn..." He looked around. His guests were still occupying his mansion and still drinking without him. He peered around and saw something in the distance, or was it someone? He stood up and wandered to the garden of the mansion where the tree's constantly bloomed and petals were constantly dropping to the ground...anime-style.

"Hello? Hello! Konnichiha! Hey..." Byakuya stopped trampling on his beautiful garden that his servants worked so hard on. "You..." Behind a fence sat a pretty lady in a red kimono, two sizes too big. The woman faced him and smiled.

"..."

"..."

"Hisana!" Byakuya yelled. He pounced on Hisana and fell to the floor, rolling around like a monkey.

"Byakuya-sama, please...this is embarrassing," she told him.

"Squee!" Byakuya clutched onto her waist.

She sat up-right and stroked Byakuya's arm. "You look wonderful Byakuya-sama. How have you been?"

"It's my birthday...and oh, I died my hair red and I have these neat glasses. Look at them!" Byakuya spun Aizen's glasses in the air. "Look!" It flew into Hisana, smacking her in the forehead. 

"That's very nice, Byakuya-sama, wah!" Byakuya shook her back and forth, giving her a toothy smile.

"I know, let's go into the mansion and party!" He took her by the waist and ran back into the mansion. Walking into the house, the guests gave him confused drunken looks.

"Kuchiki-taichou...you're holding..." Matsumoto started.

"I know, isn't this great!" Byakuya rubbed Hisana against his chin. "She's so furry and soft."

"...Whatever. Oi, Orihime! I need some more sake!"

Byakuya heard a rustling in the corner and saw Rukia with a blanket around her head. "Rukia!"

"Oh no. Nii-sama, I can explain about earlier. We needed to do something earlier and well, we couldn't stay with you," Rukia tried to explain, but Byakuya apparently wasn't listening to a word she was saying. "Nii-sama?"

"Isn't Hisana great?" Byakuya put Hisana right in front of Rukia's nose.

"Nii-sama...you're holding a squirrel."

"Nani?"_  
_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

Byakuya put down the angry squirrel on the floor and it bit his finger out of irritability. "Sorry Squirrel-san, I could've sworn you looked like Hisana from a distance." If squirrels could talk, it would probably curse at him for throwing glasses in its face, squeezing its belly til it barfed and shaking it like a maniac.

"Bye squirrel-san!" Byakuya waved. Rukia tip-toed away while she had that shining chance. "Rukia! Eh, she's gone. How come every time I wanted to speak to her, she disappears like that...does she hate me?" Byakuya thought out-loud. "I know exactly what's the matter!"

On a chair sat Ichigo and beside him, Ganju and Hanatarou. Ichigo only drank because Orihime pleaded him, Ganju because...he's Ganju and Hanatarou drank because Ganju dumped his head into a tub of spicy sake that Orihime built herself. Frankly, they didn't even know where they were.

"Ichigo, Shiba-guy, little 4th division guy!" Byakuya yelled.

"We have names, you know..." Ganju spat.

"I know why they're disappearing...!"

"Who's disappearing..." Ichigo sorely asked. _Migraine, migraine go away, come again when I'm dead._

"Rukia, uh Ukitake-senpai, Renji, Hisana, Kaien..."

"Aren't by brother and like your wife dead?" Ganju asked. "And the others are probably like hidin' from you, ya know?"

"That's what they want me to think, Shiba-dude..."

"...It's Ganju..."

"But I know the truth. Rukia, Ukitake and Renji are...ghosts!"

Ichigo raised an eyebrow while leaning on his arm on the table. Hanatarou and Ganju just sat there, awaiting the complete crap that was about to spew out of the noble's mouth. Byakuya leaned closer to the three to whisper...very loudly.

"You see, they're actually ghosts that want my brains to serve to their master supreme lord. And I know that squirrel is actually their evil henchmen, sworn to a life of demonic deeds! Hisana's probably a poor ghost too, lost to a world of forgotten souls and chaos. This includes Kaien. There's a reason why he didn't show up for breakfast that morning...he's a ghost too and his wife which I forgot her name...so there!"

"Hey hey, little master, don't talk smack about my big bro and his wife," Ganju muttered. "Squirrel?"

"Um, Kuchiki-taichou, we're well, souls so basically, they can't be ghosts um in Soul Society. And well, wouldn't the two that died, well, be reincarnated..."

"That's what they want you to think, little boy! Come you three, we must make haste to vanquish the ghosts that haunt Soul Society! to the Noodle Cave!" Byakuya ran off with Hanatarou pleading for help atop Byakuya's shoulder.

"What should we do..." Ichigo asked.

"I'm too tired, but they got Hanatarou, so we must as well go."

"Ah, this freaking migraine is killing me..."

The two dragged themselves to follow Byakuya to possibly save Hanatarou and most definitely cause trouble with Kuchiki-taichou.

--

"Well, I don't have a Noodle Cave, but I have my room," Byakuya told them. He put Hanatarou on the mattress who was now purple from screaming so loudly. "I have a plan. We need to seek out the ghosts into the kitchen where most of my sharpest weapons are, like this fork!"

"My eye!" Hanatarou screamed.

"Sorry," Byakuya continued, "Anyways, I know that they won't come out if I'm there so we need a decoy to lead them to the kitchen. That's where you come in!" Byakuya pointed to Ichigo.

"Me? Why do I have to do anything? I don't even know what the heck is going on around here!"

"Quiet, do you want the squirrels to eavesdrop on our plans? Anyways, I have this makeup kit I got from Yumichika when we ran away from 11th division and a bucket of black paint. Ganju, hold him down!"

"Whatever you say," Ganju belly flopped Ichigo, slamming him onto the floor.

"Ganju, get off of me! Hanatarou, stop him!"

"..."

"Worthless piece of..."

"Now, let's do this!" Byakuya opened up the paint bucket and held out a fat brush with a red gleam in his eye. "Are you ready, Ichigo?"

"No, no, what are you doing...noooo!" Ichigo screamed at the top of his lungs.

(Ten minutes later.)

"I swore that I would never dye my hair..."

"Orange is your natural hair color?" Ganju questioned.

"Yea, that was kinda one of the main points in the beginning of the mangaka."

Byakuya held out a mirror at Ichigo and he screamed again. Under his new black hair and eyes, were little eyelashes, signature of the Shiba clan. Byakuya gave Ichigo a thumbs-up. Ichigo struggled underneath Ganju, cursing.

"What's the point of this!"

"You see, Kaien was part of their secret plans, but I suspect that he stayed dormant in an act to plan another dangerous plot. You will be Shiba Kaien and you will distract the ghosts while they will be leading them into the kitchen and that's when we spork them and gouge out the weakness points: The left breast and testicle. You got that?"

"...Uh...yea," they replied.

"Now, we need code-names in order for this to work. Ichigo will be just Kaien, Ganju will be 'Fat Operator Baka' or 'F.O.B.', Hanatarou will be 'Princess' and I will be 'King'."

"Princess kind of sounds nice," Hanatarou nodded. "I'm Princess!"

"And our team will be...'The Kuchiki Ghostbusters!' Wait no. 'The Watermelons...'." Byakuya pondered.

"The Magnificant Four?" Hanatarou offered.

"Don't encourage him, Hanatarou," Ichigo muttered.

"I know, we are..."'The Seireitei Superheroes!'" Byakuya raised up his fist. "I smell bad spirits!"

"..."

--

("The Watermelons" was a title I offered to my group when we couldn't think of a title for our poem.)_  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6.**

"Princess, he's going for the living room. Lead Taguahead to Tuberculosis right away. Graffiti-face will be lead by FOB. Kaien, you will be waiting by the kitchen. Over."

"I'm heading for Renji..."

"Eh-hem. Over."

"I mean, I'm heading for Graffiti-face...over I guess..."

Rukia felt like she was being followed. She turned around and saw that no one was there. "Someone's there, I know it. I hope it's not nii-sama." Rukia turned around again to see Hanatarou in a Godzilla stance.

"Rukia-san, uh please come with me," He meekly walked away, beckoning Rukia to follow. "Princess has captured the Tagua, over," Hanatarou whispered.

Rukia raised an eyebrow.

--

Rukia found herself with Ukitake and Renji who was being hauled over by Ganju. "Ukitake-taichou, what's the meaning of this?"

"I haven't a clue. By the way Rukia, have you any white paint?"

"Let go of me, you crazy...oh hey Rukia, Captain Ukitake. Uh Hanatarou? What are you doing?" Renji asked. "This seems kinda off."

"We have the three monkeys, King, now what do we do? Over." Hanatarou talked into his bluetooth. A little buzz came from the other end. "Right, over. Um, Tagua...I mean, Rukia-san, will you come with me, and also Ukitake-taichou and Abarai-san must follow too. Thank you."

He led the company into the kitchen where Orihime was shooed out of the closed area. All that was left was a very uncomfortable Ichigo in under-eyelash accessories and paint all over his head. Ukitake, Rukia, and Renji stared at Ichigo.

Quickly Hanatarou jumped in front of the three. "Ah-ha, you three, there's your friend, Shiba Kaien!"

Rukia looked at her captain for answers, but he didn't know what to say. "Um Kurosaki, what on earth are you doing?"

Byakuya jumped down from the ceiling and held a spoon at them. "Abort 'Plan A'! They know, they know! Switching to 'Plan B: Full frontal assault!' Over!" He took out Senbonzakura and his fork and ran towards the scared shinigami. Hanatarou took out his fondue stick and handed Ganju a cheese-grater. Ichigo hesitantly revealed a pizza cutter from under his robe.

"Ah! It's nii-sama again!" Rukia screamed.

"Quickly gouge out their left testicle and breast!"

"What!" Renji screamed. He took Rukia and Ukitake and started to run, being chased by Byakuya, Ganju, Hanatarou (drunk with power) and Ichigo/Kaien, with kitchen utensils in hand...lusting for left testicles and left breasts.

--

"Please stop this madness, Byakuya!" Ukitake pleaded. He was one inch away from being poked in the butt with a fondue stick. "Why do you torture us so?"

"Because it's getting kind of fun," Ganju replied.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it! Rukia cried, trying to dash away from the "weapons". Ichigo decided that he should at least scare her a bit for all the stuff he had to go through while trying to rescue Rukia from execution.

"Chire, Senbonzakura-chan! Dice their weak spots!" Sharp petals dispersed into the air and went for them. Renji dived behind the couch with Rukia and Ukitake. They held their swords over their heads.

"Hello, Rukia-san, Renji-kun, Ukitake-san," Orihime smiled.

"Why are you here?"

"I was shooed out of the kitchen by Kurosaki-kun and the others. I was afraid that Kuchiki-san was going to poke me with that fork so I left. So, is he after you three?"

"He's been torturing us all day long!" Renji cried. "Why did he have to drink that little amount of alcohol in the first place!"

"It's all my fault!" Rukia weeped. "I pressured him to drink it! I said it was spicy!"

"It's my fault!" Ukitake moaned. "I told him to drink because it was his birthday! I wanted to see him drunk!"

"It's my fault..." Orihime sighed. "I should've never made that spicy sake in the first place. This whole house smells like sake and vomit now...!"

"Haha, you ghosts! I'm going to vanquish you and save Soul Society!" Byakuya poked his head from the other side of the couch. "Here's King!" The petals shot at the four with their eyes wide open. They started to run away from Senbonzakura, but reached a dead end in the hallway.

"Someone's gotta tell the construction workers to not make damn dead ends in a house," Renji bitterly said. In front of them Byakuya and the rest were creeping up to them, waving around their utensils.

"End of the line, you ghosts! We will kill you all for threatening the world that these peaceful civilians live in. Surrender, before we gouge out your privates!"

"We surrender, nii-sama, just don't torture us anymore and get sober!"

"...Um, I wasn't expecting you three to surrender so easily. So instead, we'll go along with the plans! Dice them, my comrades!" Byakuya pointed that them.

Ichigo and Ganju stared at Byakuya. "I think we should stop here, Byakuya," Ichigo shifted from foot to foot. "We shouldn't you know, gouge their privates out. That's just wrong."

"He's right, right Hanatarou? Hanatarou?"

Hanatarou was against Ukitake and trying to poke him in the lower area. Thankfully, Ukitake could hold him up by his head since he was so puny.

"Hanatarou," Ganju called. "Game's over, I wanna go back to the living room now!"

Hanatarou faced them and smiled evilly. "Why stop? With this, we could conquer all ghosts, then Seireitei, then Soul Society, then the world!" Hantarou laughed maniacally waving around his fondue stick. "I could even get my own anime series and have fanfiction that features only me in different romantic positions! Come let us kill off these traitors! Ow..."

Ichigo smacked Hanatarou on the head unconscious. "Come Ganju, we're leaving."

"You can't leave me!" Byakuya cried, "We still have work to do. These ghosts will rampage! Come Seireitei Superheroes!"

"Kuchiki-san, what did you say about ghosts?" Orihime asked.

Byakuya turned around. "You three are ghosts, trying to destroy the world and with your accomplice, booby-chan. And well, the squirrels are involved too because they...are...spawns of the demon lord...you know."

There was silence. Ichigo came back and bumped Byakuya's head with Hanatarou's skull. "Come on guys, let's get out of here." The rest nodded and Renji pulled his captain's body into an empty room. He made sure the door was locked.

"Is the day over yet?" Rukia whimpered.

--

(A/N: I put the names of everyone in a bag and I'll probably pull out random three for Byakuya to demolish. Yes. Oh and thank you for reviewing everyone!)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7.**

_This chapter contains a disturbing toy. xD_****

Byakuya woke up from a hazy dream to find himself in a dark locked room, specifically, Rukia's room. About an hour had passed from when he was first knocked out and still he felt as tipsy as ever.

"Oh Rukia's room. This should be fun…"

Adjusting his Aizen glasses, he rummaged through his sister's drawers until he found something that would catch his interest and there it was. A chappy cheese stick. Byakuya stared at it for a while and sprung it back and forth.

"Ack, Rukia carries a dildo!" Frantically, he put it in his wardrobe and searched for way out. A locked window was the key. He jumped out of the room with shards of glass in his hair and landed on a tree, surprising a napping Yoruichi and Urahara.

"Ah, Yoruichi, Urahara, look what my sister has!"

Urahara stared at the object that Byakuya pulled out and flicked it. "Byakuya-san, that's a cheese stick," he replied. Yoruichi nodded.

"What are you, stupid? It's a dildo! You know the one you stick…"

"Little Byakuya, we know what the thing does. Just stop flinging it in my face. It's disgusting. I have a horrible headache from this morning…eh!"

Byakuya didn't bother to listen to Yoruichi's complaint, but instead went ahead and started poking it around her "area". Before Yoruichi had the chance to claw his hands off, he swooped down and started running with cheese stick in hand.

"That guy, seriously, someone should chain him up, geez," Yoruichi sighed.

"I don't now Yoruichi-san. This is a once in a lifetime moment. We should chase after him and do nasty things," Urahara flicked open his fan and laughed.

"Oh?" Yoruichi smiled. They jumped out from the tree and followed Byakuya's swaying footprints.

--

"Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Dildo!" Byakuya ran across his front lawn holding the cheese stick in front of him with both hands. Apparently, and conveniently, everyone else was having a picnic and watched him sprint with all his might.

"Ni…niisama, my cheese stick," Rukia stuttered. "Nii-sama got out of the room!"

"Hide!" Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Ukitake, Hanatarou and Ganju dove behind a bush before Byakuya had the chance to stick the cheese stick into them. They watched Yoruichi and Urahara run after him, giggling to themselves.

"Oi! Byakuya! If you're going to take that then you might as well take this one too!" Yoruichi held out a jumbo pencil.

Byakuya gasped. "Yoruichi, you are so dirty!"

"And this one too, Byakuya-san!" Urahara pulled out a glue stick. "What an idiot…" Urahara whispered.

"Urahara, you're perverted! These are for women!" Yoruichi and Byakuya said together.

"Oh-ho, men can use it too. Byakuya-san, you should go to everyone right now. If Yoruichi and I have one, who knows who else could have one as well!" He covered his giggling mouth with his fan.

"You're absolutely right! It's my duty to cleanse my party of these toys!" Byakuya went back into the house to get a belt that could hold all the…dildos, leaving Urahara and Yoruichi in guffawing fits on the ground.

--

"Give me your dildo," Byakuya demanded.

Hinamori shifted from one foot to another. "Kuchiki-taichou, I don't, well, have one." She looked at his dildo belt and saw a jumbo pencil, glue stick and a cheese stick attached to it.

"Do not worry. It will be in good hands!" Byakuya assured her.

_I must lose him somehow…_"Kuchiki-taichou! I'll give you one, just let me see what I have…a sandwich, no, uh mustard, um…oh. Here's something that you may like… a popsicle."

"Ah, Hinamori, I knew you would hand it over. Be a good little girl and don't play with this ever again." He skipped off to challenge a bewildered Kira about the dildo business. Hinamori ran away as fast as she could while the two troublemakers giggled in a tree above.

"Dildo," Byakuya held out his hand.

Kira stood scratching his head. "Uh, I don't know what you are talking about. I don't have one. You are better off asking Matsumoto-san or something."

"Don't lie to me Kira. You have one and I know it. Give it up before I have to search you myself."

Kira contemplated and a sickening image of a drunken Byakuya closely searching him came into mind. "Please Kuchiki-taichou, I'll find one for you. Uh, uh, here my last Mentos pack, I mean, dildo. Kuchiki-taichou, please don't be a bother anymore…"

Byakuya nodded and put it next to a collection. "You're doing the right thing by admitting you have one of these things."

"But, but, you're the one who said that!" Kira stated.

"Tsk tsk, it is nothing to be embarrassed about. All is well, all is well." Before Kira had the chance to talk back, Byakuya rushed over to Yachiru.

"Nani? What's a dildo?" she asked. Yachiru, unfortunately was alone because baldie was taking a shower, Yumichika was in a corner with a mirror and Kenpachi was rolling on the floor, laughing and striking the air with his sword in his own little hallucination where thousands of Ichigos were charging at him in a war.

"Well, you are young so I'll explain everything you will need to know about these toys and about how they make people happy in their fantasies." Byakuya knelt down and rubbed her hair.

"I like toys, Byakushi!"

Yachiru's ears began to bleed five minutes later.

--

In the end, he wound up with a cheese stick, a popsicle, a glue stick, a jumbo pencil, a Mentos pack, a sharpie, a twirling baton, a real dildo, a toothpaste, and several other tube-like objects around his waist. Byakuya was very proud of himself.

(A/N: Poor Yachiru.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8.**

"Sugoi," Matsumoto raised her cup to the falling snow. "What a wonderful way to end today, huh taichou?"

"Matsumoto...why are we on the roof." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

"Really? This is the only place where Kuchiki-taichou can't find us. I don't want to face him at a time like this. Besides, it's a nice view of the moon, don't you think?"

"Something is unusual about this place. Eh..Eh?"

"Taichou? Wahhh!" Matsumoto dropped her cup in a blood-curdling scream.

--

"Welcome to my dominion!"

Hitsugaya woke up to find himself and his bustly vice-captain tied to a chair, along with every other guest in the mansion. It looked like they were in some sort of medieval basement, complete with halberds and prisoner skeletons.

"You like it? It took me a while to complete it."

"Kuchiki-taichou...what do you want now? More "dildos"? Or perhaps you want us all naked for your enjoyment...or perhaps you want to be naked with us prisoner..." Hitsugaya made a face.

"Wrong. you're all here because one of you stole my kenseikan!"

"Kensei..." Rukia thought back to eariler this morning.

_"Nii-sama!"_

_He started to throw his kenseikan like little torpedoes at the guests, snickering like a child. "Alright! I'm coming down from here...ah Rukia, catch me, will you?" He jumped down from the ceiling. Rukia started running around in circles, flailing her arms, trying to aim for her big brother who's now waving his arms in midair._

Rukia wanted to shout, but unfortunately, nii-sama would just stuff his foot in her mouth or something.

"I know my kenseikan are valuable, so I believe none of you will give it up! That's why I need to use absolute force. So, each of you have a device attached to your neck. And it will explode your head in sixty minutes if you don't find my kenseikan. The ones who do find it won't be exploded. If none of you confess or find my kenseikan, the whole mansion will be all bloody!" Byakuya's left eye bulged out of its socket.

"That's..that's insane!" Yumichika shouted. "And ugly!"

"Some how this reminds me of Battle Royale, eh taichou?" Matsumoto nudged him with her nearest boob.

"No time to joke..."

Byakuya shunpo'ed and the chains and belts holding them down collapsed. In the distance, they heard Byakuya's voice: If you escape my mansion, you'll be exploded. Try to take the device off, you'll be exploded. Remember, sixty minutes!

Everyone in the room ran around in circles, screaming for their mommies, daddies, and certain superheroes. Rukia tugged Renji to the dresser, where Byakuya first threw his noodles.

"Please be there, please be there! ...It's not there! Renji! I'm too young!" Rukia screamed. "Well not really, but ahh!"

"I'm too beautiful!" Yumichika ran by, holding his head. Looking out the window, he spotted a random shinigami running past the garden and immediately, his head exploded; his body buckled down onto the petunias. "Ahh!"

In another room, Hitsugaya desperately looked under every crack for anything white and tubey-like and went inside a vent to look. Unfortunately, he was stuck and couldn't get out. -sniff-

"Matsumoto! Matsumoto! Get your butt here. I'm stuck..."

"Taichou, I thought you would be small enough, hah."

In another room, the team of Nemu and Mayuri were busy building new kenseikan, though Mayuri wanted to add his own personal touch to them, resulting in kenseikan that walked, talked and chased after them with little feet and snapping jaws.

"Quick Nemu, pull my nose!" Nemu pulled on it and little fighter jets came out, battling the vicious kenseikan creatures. "We must try again! This time, I'll add a bit of my armpit hair to change the color."

The team of Hanatarou and Ganju thought they had seen the kenseikan, but it was actually the rage of the man-eating noodles and forgot what they were trying to do in the first place. Hanatarou tried to unleash his zanpaktou, but it was just a rubber chicken. Ganju fell onto the floor and they nipped at his buttocks.

--

Byakuya sat in his arm chair behind a rose bush, rocking back and forth while screams of terror rocked the house. He unfolded his hand and inside were his genuine kenseikan. He put them neatly in his hair and yawned, eating a leaf.

--

"Hopeless! Hopeless!" Kira screamed while his hair was on fire. Somehow a fire started in the kitchen when Renji and Rukia were battling the noodles with forks and garbage can lids in hand. Byakuya took their zanpaktous as well.

"If I die, please don't do anything disgusting with my body," Rukia cried.

"Same goes for you.."

"Help! -cough- Help!" Ukitake was on the ground while the noodles tried to eat his pink bun. Renji and Rukia kicked the noodles out of the way and they landed on Kenpachi's spikey hair.

A pack of squirrels ran by.

"Ukitake-taichou! Where's your team?"

"Kiyone and Sentarou where fighting them and carrying me, but they were too busy competing with each other, and they dropped me on the floor," Ukitake choked on his cough. Rukia and Renji carried Ukitake to the medical team of Unohana and Isane, who were too busy treating injured guests and couldn't search for the kenseikan themselves.

The fire got bigger and more noodles were coming out of Mayuri's room of doom and eventually, the mansion blew up in flames, sending the shinigami flying in all directions, knocking them all unconscious. Man-eating noodles were incinerated and so were Mayuri's fighter jets. Byakuya, watching all this, fell asleep in his armchair as the gentle snow rained on top of countless bodies.

--

In the fresh new morning, the sore shinigamis woke up to find themselves under a feet of snow. Chilly, cold and battered, they retired to the remains of the mansion, sneezing and coughing. Well, Ukitake was always coughing, but this time, he was coughing out blood colored slushies.

"Kuchiki..." Yama-jii wrapped his body in his beard, thinking of ways to punish the 6th division captain. The devices around their necks were frosted to death and crumbled finally. Miserable and wrecked, the shinigamis slowly tried to walk home, but froze when they saw a rustle in the bushes.

"Don't don't...nooo!" Hanatarou screamed. Everyone gasped.

Kuchiki Byakuya came out of the bushes, his hair back to black with kenseikan on top, cleansed of markers and apparently, his dildo collection was nowhere to be seen.

"Nii-sama...are you sane..." Rukia meekly asked.

"Rukia. Must you arrange your hair in that fashion. And also you Renji."

Rukia and Renji looked up to see that their hair still resembled a Tagua nut and Yumichika. "Nii-sama! It was your fault! You made us..."

Byakuya gave them both an icy glare. "Since when did you develop such coarse behavior Rukia? I'm disappointed in all of you shinigami for wrecking my home. I expect all of this to be cleaned up and repaired. Honestly..."

"But, but...but...you made us wear these devices and and..."

"I do not recall such a memory. Do not talk back. I do not wish to hear it." With that, Byakuya glided into his room, which surprisingly wasn't destroyed, leaving the shinigami standing speechless. They cried. They cried horribly and swore an oath to each other that they would never feed Byakuya alcohol ever again.They also agreed that Byakuya knew how to throw wild parties.


End file.
